He's committing suicide.
I can't watch!
I know.
There's no way
he can cook a risotto in that little time!
There are so many other starches!
Get your head in the game!
All right, put your clothes on.
Our clothes are on.
They are?
Wow! Is everything okay?
Of course.
What's wrong with you?
Me? Nothing.
It's just every time I come over here,
you guys are always
in the middle of a four-legged frolic.
I'm talking about sex here, Kim.
Okay.
We got that. Thanks.
And I know you'll find this hard to believe,
but we do other things.
Like watch TV.
Yeah.
And we are totally hooked on Kitchen Death Match.
It's the semi-finals.
Chef Tanaka, Chef Blair... finally facing off.
Gee, that sounds like a whole lot of fun there, Dorothy,
but I need to borrow your suitcase again.
You never returned it.
What? You've only got one?
You know that girl I met
at the check-out line at the grocery store?
Yeah. You picked her up
buying a jug of wine and a box of condoms.
Well, I'm getting ready to take her away
on a weekend getaway to a little place I call...
"Club Sheldon."
The Hyatt by the airport?
You know it!
Put your clothes on.
[All]: They are on!
Really? Is everything okay?
For your information...
Don't take this the wrong way, Kim, but...
Well, I don't really care.
I came by to get Danny's creme brule torch.
Wait a minute. Rat problem?
Because, F.Y.I....
that doesn't work.
They just run around on fire and it spreads.
No. I'm making dinner for Julie.
It's only been a few weeks, but...
whew. So far so good.
Wait a minute. You're using the torch?
That means you haven't parked the Plymouth in the garage.
Am I right?
I'm talking about sex here, Kim.
Look.
Julie's a little reserved,
so I thought the fire might loosen her up.
[Flames whooshing]
Oh, that's disgusting.
[Chuckles] Worked on you, didn't it?
I love you.
[♪]
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull Brought to you by pizstol
And then I turned the corner into the alley,
and he followed me.
[Gasps] You poor thing!
Oh...
Ever since that day, I've been afraid of poodles.
You've been through so much.
Mm, hold on.
Oh, it's okay. It's okay.
If you're not ready, we can wait.
I want our first time to be special.
Oh, Ryan! It will be special.
That's the last thing I'm worried about.
Here. Give me your hands.
Let's make love.
I promise to be gentle.
[Handcuffs ratcheting]
[Cuffs clinking]
[Deep voice]: I won't.
[Perky, normal]: Now get in the bedroom.
Didn't see that coming.
Hey, you remember that bank robbery last weekend?
Gunfire, guy took hostages,
S.W.A.T. team had to take him down?
Oh, yeah! That was terrible.
Y-Yeah! Terrible.
But guess who's defending the gunman?
Sometimes, you make me so proud.
Hey, guys. This is Emma.
This is my brother, Danny.
And that's his girlfriend I was telling you about.
- Hi. - Hi.
Totally get it.
How was the hotel?
Oh, not bad.
We actually left the room a couple of times.
There was a business centre.
And, well, I don't need to tell you
what we did in there.
Let me guess.
A little hide-the-hot-dog? Huh?
No.
Faxing. I had work to do.
We just got back and I am starved.
That's because we just had sex, Kim.
Ryan!
What happened to your wrist? It's all red.
Oh, it's nothing.
No, I just... you know, slept on it funny.
What do you mean?
For God's sakes, stop interrogating me!
Julie made me wear handcuffs.
I'm not even gonna tell you where she hid the key.
You're allowed to say "no," Ryan.
Actually, I wasn't allowed to speak
until spoken to.
[Sheldon]: Hey, it's all in your head, baby.
[Emma]: Yeah?
Well, screw you!
Hey. Whoa, whoa!
Come on. That was an $8.00 drink!
I don't understand it.
Emma was so much fun at the hotel.
The minute we pull out of the parking lot,
she starts complaining.
It sounds like you're dating a deeply troubled person
who's only happy when she escapes her own life.
I agree. I think you know
what you need to do here, Sheldon.
You're right.
I've gotta get her back to the hotel.
What? That's absurd!
Absurdly smart!
That's it, I'm outta here.
Danny...
- [Both]: Mwah! - I'll see you tonight.
I'm excited for our special evening.
Getting lucky tonight, huh?
Whatever you do, don't use restraints.
What? No, no. We're watching the season finale
of Dunk Chef.
What is that? Chefs playing basketball?
No, Ryan. That would be stupid.
This is chefs in a dunk tank.
So how long have you guys been in this sex slump?
Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We are not in a "sex slump."
Okay? Trust me. We still do it a lot.
[Chuckles]
Define "a lot."
Okay. Let's see.
The last time we did it was...
none of your business. Ahem.
I'm sure we'll do it tonight.
After Dunk Chef?
No, we're gonna do it during Dunk Chef.
That was a surprisingly sad episode of Dunk Chef.
I guess some chefs can't swim.
On a lighter note,
I have a surprise for you.
I love surprises.
Do I get a hint?
Well...
it's gonna make you smile.
Uh-huh? And...?
And it kinda tickles.
Oh, ho! Tell me more.
And it sounds like this...
[Electric gadget buzzing]
Are we sure this surprise isn't for you?
Ta-dah!
I got you a new toothbrush!
[She giggles proudly]
Yeah, you did.
[♪]
[Cuffs thump chair]
What are you doing?
Oh, uh, a little red wine got on the carpet.
It's imported from Egypt, cost me two months' alimony.
[Chuckles]
But no big deal.
Um, it was... it was totally worth it.
Wasn't it?
It's just...
really hard to find that exact color.
But you know what?
Who cares?
Now...
was that awesome
or was that awesome?
That was...
nice!
Would you look at that stain?
Ryan, I really like you, but...
I feel like
you're holding back a little bit in the bedroom.
Do you need me to finish faster?
'Cause that's easy.
No. I mean, you seem repressed.
W-What are you saying?
I don't satisfy you?
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, n...
Yeah.
But you are so great!
Wait, okay? Look. Give me another chance.
'Kay, the truth is...
I was holding back!
[Relieved sigh]
Yeah, I just...
Well, I didn't want to scare you off!
Don't worry about that.
There's something I want you to do to me.
Back rub?
Oh, it's a little more than a back rub.
'Cause I give really good back rubs.
♪ [Music: Upbeat]
Okay. Easy, easy.
Now, get ready to open your eyes in three...
two... one...
This is not the hotel.
I know, I know,
but the hotel was getting a little pricey.
We can pretend this is the hotel room, huh?
Look over here.
I got slippers right at the end of the bed,
a "do not disturb" sign hanging on the door,
and...
a half-eaten club sandwich
under this metal lid.
And... I think you might've noticed,
housekeeping was just here.
Mm. These, uh, hospital corners were not easy.
Yeah, this isn't working for me, okay?
This is just someone's loft.
No, no, no.
This is my brother's loft,
and he's not gonna know. He's at work.
Okay, come on.
Couldn't you book another hotel room
with your credit card?
Oh, my credit card's maxed out, baby.
Do you know how much
those nightstand cashews cost?
[Snaps]: I am hypoglycemic!
Now, listen!
Why don't we do this... we'll go halfsies.
[Gasps in horror]
[Begins weeping]
Wait! Wait!
I've got pillow mints!
Hey, Nikki.
Kim's in the back.
Um, actually, I... I came to see you.
[Chuckles] Nikki,
you're a... woman of the world.
You've been around the block a few times.
Are you saying I'm slutty?
Thank you! Yes!
Okay, so,
I'm seeing this girl, and-and she's great!
She's sweet, she's smart,
but in the bedroom,
she's a little... complicated.
Ah, I get it. Born with both?
What? No!
She wants me to...
Buy her a turtleneck?
No! Uh...
while making love, she would like me to...
Leave?
Oh... [Blurts out]: She wants to be choked!
Oh.
I see. And this request makes you nervous?
Well, there's a fine line between
giving someone pleasure
and a frantic call to 9-1-1.
Besides, do I look like the kind of guy
who's into high-risk sexual antics?
I wear cardigans!
You'd be surprised.
I once dated an accountant
who wore nipple clamps...
Not on his nipples.
What should I do?
I mean, I really like this girl,
but not enough to go to prison
for the rest of my life if I screw this up.
I think you should give it a shot.
Are you sure?
Because I have a deceptively strong grip.
People are constantly
getting me to open pickle jars.
There's no danger,
just as long as you establish a safe word.
Oh... a safe word!
- Mm. - Okay.
How does she say the safe word
if I'm choking her?
Good luck in prison.
Hey, Nikki?
Can I talk to you for a second?
I need some advice.
Mm! Fire away. I'm in the zone.
Danny and I seem to be in a little rut
in our sex life lately,
and I figure, since you're... you know.
I know. Slutty.
Thank you! Yes.
Maybe you need to spice things up,
get a little crazy.
You, uh... ever thought about being choked?
Excuse me?
Everyone's doing it!
Look, just be the aggressor,
take the first step.
Okay. I can give it a shot.
I don't know why
I'm so embarrassed about this.
I mean, I'm sure it happens to everyone.
Oh, it's never happened to me.
Well... Well, that's because you're slutty.
Hey!
It's one thing when I say it...
[♪]
Hey. I made dinner.
And I brought dessert.
Ooh.
Whip cream.
Strawberries.
And chocolate sauce.
Sundaes!
Mm-hmm. Sundaes...
[Seductively]: off my naked body!
Oh, ho-ho! That would be sexy.
If I wasn't lactose intolerant.
Right! Oh, I totally forgot.
No! No, no, no.
I love the idea of spicing things up.
Maybe I could eat dinner...
[Imitates her]: off your naked body.
I will never do that again.
So what are we having?
Shepherd's pie.
Ew. Shepherd's pie?
No, no, no. It's vegetarian.
And sexy.
I mean, it's got potatoes,
and cubed carrots,
and peas...
Yeah. Not a turn-on.
I know.
What if we try doing it in public?
Ooh! Like the backseat of a cop car?
Or a hockey game? Or the cemetery!
Yeah, all good ideas,
um, but I was thinking maybe the balcony.
- Okay. I like it. - [Chuckles]
Wow! It's cold outside, huh?
Little nippy.
We're in a slump, aren't we?
Yes! What are we gonna do?
All right.
We're just gonna have to do it,
right here, right now.
Get down on the floor.
Aye-aye, Captain.
Oh! Wai... Wait. Let me grab a blanket.
Oh. A-And some pillows.
You know, it is a little dusty.
We should sweep up first.
[Disgusted sigh]
Well, why don't we just watch TV,
and tomorrow we'll have mind-blowing sex.
Love it!
[Smack]
[TV begins playing]
[♪]
Julie.
I've been thinking a lot about your request
and I've decided...
I'm in.
I will choke you.
Yay! [Giggling]
Okay. I, uh,
I didn't buy you a pony,
I agreed to hurt you
and quite possibly endanger your life.
[Sighs happily]
But I brought some precautions.
[Bag's contents clatter and thud]
A portable defibrillator
in case your heart gives out...
a charged cell phone set to 9-1-1...
bottle of lotion to soothe your neck
in case of chafing or bruising.
Oh, and a, well, a fake passport for me,
just in case this goes sideways.
Ryan...
clearly, you're uncomfortable with this whole choking thing.
What? Are you kidding?
Back in college,
they used to call me "The Choker."
Well, I blew a lot of games
in the fourth quarter.
You're a very tender, sensitive lover.
Many women like that in a man.
Just not me.
[Sighs]
Okay.
We can do it your way.
Well, thank you for that ringing endorsement,
but my penis is feeling
a little emasculated right now.
Would it help if I choked you?
Would you look at that?
It climbed right up inside my body.
[Chuckles feebly]
Please tell me
you're not starting your own airline again.
They're for the mini-bar, Danny.
What mini-bar?
Okay. You made me lose my concentration.
Look. I've been taking Emma back to the hotel
and the mini-bar prices are killing me.
So you're making your own, using my Scotch?
Pretty clever, huh?
You could just
take your own regular-sized bottle.
No, no, no, no, no.
Having a mini-bar adds to the excitement
of staying at a hotel.
And besides, these, uh, little bottles
make me look like a giant.
So you had another fight with Emma?
Yeah, you know, "vacation Emma" was like
a glass of sparkling Champagne.
"Regular Emma," a bitch.
Sheldon, you have to end this.
Oh, no, Danny, huh?
The sex is far too good.
Can we please not talk about sex?
Oh...
a little trouble down in the, uh, country club?
You were right.
Kim and I have hit a slump.
I've got an idea.
[♪]
[Kim gasps]
Now, if this place can't help spice things up,
nothing will.
Oh! How about that?
You could be the naughty maid
cleaning my apartment.
Excuse me?
You don't have to be thorough.
Danny, I don't know about this place.
Don't worry! It's not like
we're gonna run into anyone we know.
Hey, guys.
Ryan? W-What are you doing here?
Don't ask him that!
We don't want to know.
I'm searching for some literature
on proper choking techniques.
What?
Well, it's a long story.
What are you guys doing here?
Uh, getting change. For the meter.
Let's get outta here.
- [Kim gasps] - Whoa!
You kids, uh, here
looking for something to prime the old pump?
Please, don't talk about Danny's pump.
Well, actually, in this scenario, Kim,
you're the pump.
[Kim groans]
Never mind!
Look, I thought you were taking Emma back to the hotel.
I am, but I'm gonna rent some adult movies first.
The pay-per-view at the hotel
is costing me a fortune.
Huh. Look at that.
"Bicurious George."
Danny, I want to get out of here.
Kim?
Nikki!
I didn't know you came here.
Do you wanna watch a movie with me?
No! No, I don't even want to be here.
I love this place.
The selection is awesome
and it's a good place to pick up guys.
Okay. You guys are out of your minds.
Okay, Danny, I'll be in the car... Ah!
[Loud crashing]
S-S-Sorry, everyone.
I... I'll just pick up, uh... a few of these.
Wait-wait-wait!
Can I have this one?
Gross! Those are the rentals.
[♪]
- [Smack] - That was amazing!
How do you feel?
Uh, like a guy who should be arrested for attempted murder.
Oh, I'm just relieved it's over.
Over? Oh, we're just getting started.
There's more?
After that, I feel like I can be myself
and really tell you what I want to do sexually.
Okay. I have an idea.
What is it?
- Let's role-play. - [She gasps]
Yeah. No. You came by to fix my cable...
- Uh-huh? - and now you're leaving...
and never coming back!
[Julie]: Whoo-hoo! I like it!
[Door slams]
[Takes a breath, sighs]
So what do we do now?
Here's a thought. We do nothing.
I think we got that covered.
Hear me out, okay?
Before everyone was giving us a hard time
about not doing it every night,
we were happy just hanging out in front of the TV.
That's true.
I was having fun.
Well, maybe sex in a long-term relationship
is like a gourmet meal...
You're not talking about shepherd's pie again, are you?
Not anymore, I'm not.
Look, Danny. I get it.
And I love you.
Mm. Mwah.
So...
Kitchen Death Match?
Yes! Tonight there's a dessert challenge.
Ooh!
[Clicks show on]
Oh! She's making a cake?
Wow...
look at that cake-piper.
She really knows how to work that thing.
Yeah! It's huge.
I don't know how she gets her hands around it.
It's so... thick.
Look at her go.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah! You work that piper! You work it, baby!
She's almost done!
J-J-J-Just a little more...
[Both gasping in expectation]
Yes. Yes! Oh!
Wow!
That's a lot of icing that came out of there.
[Both panting]
[Both giggling]
Aw.
So you broke up with Emma?
No. That woman's crazy.
I left her in the hotel room,
told her I was going to get ice,
never went back.
You're gonna make a really good father someday.
Aren't you afraid she's gonna find you?
No. Ryan gave me a fake passport,
in case anything went sideways.
[Kim]: Ryan!
How about you?
Are you over your split with Julie?
Yeah. I'm just glad I got out of it
before the sex got too weird.
[Ryan exhales deeply]
No. I'm gonna go stand at the bar.
[♪]
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull Brought to you by pizstol